I've been a little hesitant to post regarding this topic. I would like to believe a lot of my relatives that are sprawled out all over the country read my little humble blog as a way of being in the know of this little Tica's life. I'm a little paranoid that one of my relatives will conveniently misread information and dial my poor little Mama down South and say... "did you hear?"....so you guys can understand why I will have annoying disclaimers throughout this whole post. One can't be too sure with this habit most of us have to skim read, speed read and pick up keywords. So, please accept my apology ahead of time. I just need to take a moment to stand and be honest with myself. It's a little scary but...here it goes.
DISCLAIMER: Tica is not pregnant.
It's about time I'm honest with myself. Something is really going on when I blog-stalk mommy bloggers, and live vicariously through women TTC- which I learned recently means Trying to Conceive. 65% of the blogs on my Blogger Dashboard are Veteran Mommas-New Mommies (like her)- Mami's to be (like her and her)- and some make a really good living with all the sponsors, online traffic and pregnancy-related websites they can feature their skills. I can't really remember when all of this started, probably within the last year. I've had a lot of friends around me get pregnant, it kind of makes me feel left out. Mostly, I blame my hormones. They seem to have a mind of their own now-a-days, prematurely steering me toward the path of maternity. My body is telling me I should have a baby right now, but unfortunately my current situation states all systems are a NO! (FYI: I'm an unmarried, home-cooked-meal-from-Grandma eating, public-transportation taking, still-haven't-landed-my-dream-job-and-not-even-sure-my-dream-job-is-my-dream-career, impulsive, penny-pinching to save for vacations 24 year old!)
DISCLAIMER: Tica no esta embarazada.
But really, the #1 and only reason why I can't even ponder about TTC is because I'm not married and that means I shouldn't be engaging in behavior that would allow me to be with child. This is very important to me, I believe God has ordained marriage, and all the blessings that ensue if you follow His divine order! I won't have it any other way!
You might be saying to yourself, you have my solution "just marry this boo you constantly talk about?" HA! It's sad but sometimes it seems being married is harder than having a baby (gasp). I don't know if I'm ready for marriage, not 100% sure when I'll catch the "marriage fever" although I'm suspicious that I've been bit by the bug in the past, but one thing I do know: Without a stable career where I see myself moving up I don't think I can contribute substantially to a marriage. Yup, it's partly an issue of money.
DISCLAIMER: Tica is not with child.
- Last month, I ran to see the Babies movie (cute, but could have Netflixed it). Then a couple of weeks later, the boo and I saw Mother and Child.
- I'm constantly buying baby/children's books to "save" for the future. I'm afraid that next it'll be clothes, and maternity related paraphernalia.
I'm not sure what these symptoms mean, if they are even significant at all (and if you think they are totally normal, stop chuckling!). All I know is that, like the body temperature, these feelings fluctuate. There are times when I'm constantly looking at young couples and inconspicuously try to peak into their Maclaren strollers. I'm tickled by bi-racial couples and sometimes imagine what kind of characteristics (both physical and personality-wise) my own will have. So much to think about, so much to pray about, so much to write about (cha-ching!)In deeper examination, I've also discovered that I want a baby "in theory."
This basically means that I like the "idea" of a baby, but really I'm not mature enough to really understand what that means at this time. I think lots of women fall into that sometimes, all the cute outfits, smiles of recognition and compliments can blind you sometimes. The real dark side (the stress, lack of sleep, disagreements between parents) of parenthood is what goes on behind closed doors, you know, after you say "Good night" and go on your merry way.
DISCLAIMER: BELLY+ TICA= HECK NO.
So what's a girl to do? What's my prescription?
Here are my self-prescribed solutions:
- Trust God. Plan for tomorrow but live in today! This principle has been speaking to me for a couple of weeks. It was reiterated at our Young Adult Conference this past weekend. Matthew 6:34 states "Do not be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrows too. Live one day at at time." I think we are all culprits of living in the future. If you're a kid you want to "grow up," when you're in college you want to graduate and get a "real job," when you're single you want to be married, when you're married you want to be single (hehe, half kidding). But being present/being in the present is an art sometimes. Even if you're not exactly where you want to be, you can still find ways to make the most out of today. Don't take your blessings or current position for granted!
- Focus my maternal-energies to family & friends (immediate and extended). I can start by pouring my love into this little pudgy marshmallow named Summer who I will officially be Godmother to come July 11th!
Have you ever gone through this, wanting to have a baby before the time was right? How did you self-medicate?
PS- Did I mention I'm not carrying?