3.10.2011

On Love & the B Word

 Love is a topic that I will never call myself an expert at. The romantic kind of connection most of us desire is akin to a flame; it can represent beauty and passion in one second, and in the blink of an eye it can be the cause of unbearable hurt and pain. Plenty of love songs have been written to try and capture both the good and the bad, the butterflies and the bitterness, all and everything that comes with being vulnerable to a person that otherwise has no connection to you. It's not something I discuss heavily on the blog not because I didn't enjoy the benefits of a committed relationship but because it's something I cherished so-- my little flame that I didn't want to boast too much about for fear of loosing it. I recently felt open enough to have a guest post share my flame with the (web) world. Well, I don't know if I lost the flame, or if I helped extinguish it but I'm facing the dreaded B Word. No, not the defamatory insult. The Break-up.

I've been consumed by the B word. I've been consumed by the shock to my world, and the crumbling I see all around me. I know I'm not the only person in the world who has gone through this, yet, there is no one formula for everyone. The ugly side of the flame is all that's visible now, there's no way to retreat the inital emotions of the how-we-met story, or the first kiss, or the first time someone blurted 'I love you'. There's only pictures, distorted memories, e-mails and all the tokens of love that are leftover. None of that is enough to change the circumstances, because I've learned that a real and final breakup is usually a beast in the making, not necessarily one bad argument. All the signs are usually there, whether we choose to see them or not. 

Selfishness becomes the precedent on the road to recovery. Because how do you, as a hurt person, genuinely help another hurt person? Ultimately, whether by intention or just by the passing of time, the single mentality of 'I've got to look out for me!' enters the picture. No longer is your partner your primary or even secondary concern, because after all, once you stop e-mailing, calling, texting or even 'seeing' about them life can continue as if you never knew them at all. And because this person has no real connection to you, except what you two decided at one point you would pursue intentionally, then life goes on... And time heals the wounds of the battle you either conceded to or lost fighting.

2 comments:

Jennifer B said...

Oh, I am so sorry to hear this. My current boyfriend broke up with me once, for 10 days, and I felt like he had stabbed me. Thinking of our times together made me weep and I was a slobbering mess. Even in 10 days, it got better and it will get better for you. You know I'm only an e-mail away :)

Tracita Linda (Tracey) said...

And currently a couple of hours away too (I'm in Ft. Laudy). One day (far away from now) I promise to drive down to Ft. Lauderdale and stop in Tampa to check out that sweet condo :). I'm heading back up North tomorrow- back to reality! Send positive thoughts my way!